Finding Joy

I was tired, I had worked an overnight shift to assist the casual crew who were extremely understaffed and although I love my new position working in live events, this night was exhausting. Not the work necessarily but seeing that my team, the people I am trusted to lead were all completely burnt out. Emotions had been running high for weeks with the overwhelming amount of events we had been given, flipping rooms and equipment from event to event to event to event. All of us trying to add some kind of cohesion but there was simply no time for plans, only action.

I had been told that the workload in October “ramps up every year” and although I had done my best to be prepared, I was not. The only fragment of hope in the situation was that I now understood the job I was tasked with better than ever. I knew that my role was to bring as much order to this chaos as possible, to ease the weight on the shoulders of my team and be the kind of leader I wish I had, had so many times in the past. 

The next morning despite the midday to dawn nap I still felt tired. I had added this new weight of “fix everything” onto my shoulders, and once I began to pile things onto my emotional plate I couldn’t really seem to stop. Within a matter of weeks I had added my workplace stress, the challenges of live events and all the worlds sadness and fear to my shoulders. I had the weight of everything in my head and it was overwhelming me until I inevitably had a breakdown. I am lucky to have a family around me who can ease my mind and know how to help me remove the stresses I place on myself. Because I have always been like this, ready to fight for justice and fix everything for everyone. I have clear memories of my mother telling me when I was a child that “everything isn’t your problem” to “stop being everyone’s safe-target” and “only focus on what’s important”. It’s as if she could actually see my little shoulders lowering with emotional weight and she can probably still see it now. 

This was the year of joy, and although there were so many mixed emotions I took every chance to redirect my thinking back to finding joy.

In January I had started with the little things that could bring me joy, allowing myself to relax and telling myself that there is “no need to push myself this year”, “take it easy”, and “ just enjoy”. This quickly turned into a buying frenzy where the ‘treat-yo-sellf’ went a little out of control. When I look back on the year I can visualise myself every weekend with bags and bags of purchases as I walk awkwardly carrying everything into the house. I put basically no limitations on concerts and experiences and my wife and I enjoyed every moment we could.

In the winter we traveled to the south of New Zealand and my wife got to show me one of her favourite places, Milford-sound. It's a tourist hot spot most of the year but the harsh winter and predicted bad weather had turned most people off going. Once we arrived at the bay the sky had become clear and the most spectacular sunset I have ever seen lowered over the snow covered mountains with barely another person around. I remember standing in this magical place in what seemed like a magical moment and appreciating that the long drive, winding roads, flights and effort were all worth it, that this moment was full of happiness and that this place would linger in my mind as a feeling to value, not a feeling of joy, but peace and calm.

The remaining months in the second half of the year became about discovery and finding joy rather than letting my impulsive “what will make me happy right now” drive my choices. In july my wife was made redundant and as our budget got tighter without her income I was finding joy in places that should have been easy to see from the beginning. A home cooked meal, wednesday night burgers with my family, a lunchtime walk with a friend, listening to audio books with my wife on long drives and finishing off projects I hadn’t touched in years. 

My wife very quickly found a new job that she loves more than ever, and as the money struggles eased I returned to the bad habits of buying instead of looking for the things I enjoy. As this tangled with the burnout and weight of the world I felt in October new anxieties began creeping slowly into my mind. “I am not good enough”, “the world will burn and suffer”, “you will be in pain forever" and “the ones you love will be gone”. It is difficult to fight anxiety and such negative thinking looping like a broken record in your mind. How was I supposed to “have fun and find joy”? When everything seems to lead me back down the path of negativity. I chose distraction and to buy more things as the solution to my anxiety, with the aim to ignore anything that could tarnish the smile and enjoy life attitude. As you can probably tell, this was never going to work. 

By December I was heading off for three weeks of training at a construction site to get my working at heights, rigging and high risk work licences. Although we aren't often using cranes and huge concrete slabs in live events the licences are the same as the construction industry. For three weeks I was sitting side by side with plumbers, builders and oil refinery workers and I was way outside of my comfort zone adding to the stress and anxiety I was trying to ignore. 

After lots of hard work, weeks of study every night and sitting through some truly unhinged political commentary from the trainers, I passed all the exams and got my licences. 

On the drive home I was electric with pride in my achievement and all the weight of the world unexpectedly floated away. It was at this moment singing to new songs in my car I understood that there is a problem with a year of joy. Joy isn't manufactured, it can’t be purchased and no matter how well things are going you can’t create it from nothing. I spent this year searching for joy in every moment and I just don’t think joy is something that can be found, it just appears. Don’t mistake me, this was a good year. I achieved so much and enjoyed my life. I spent time traveling, I got to see my wife's childhood getaway, I actually finished a sewing project, I got to see underground singers who were just starting out, my garden is flourishing, I learnt what it really means to be a leader at work, I went to themed festivals, art galleries, went camping, spent time with friends, attended weddings, finally bought an electric car, enjoyed restaurants, cooked my own amazing food, saw the southern lights with my own eyes, got to watch my wife achieve her plane gliding goals, and so much more.  

All these things didn’t happen because I ‘found joy’, they just happened. I don’t wish to find happiness, but instead learn to appreciate what I have. Cherish the memories I gather and hold close the things I truly value. Like watching a sunset over snowy mountains and appreciating all the things that got me there, It’s time to live in a year of value.